


Jedi Do Not Have Attachments

by Flecha77



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Cal being afraid to love, Cal exploring what it means to have attachment, Cal's first time, Couch Sex, F/M, First Time, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sex (Star Wars), Sleepy Cuddles, some plot but mostly sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:08:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22371550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flecha77/pseuds/Flecha77
Summary: “I have heard that Jedi are not allowed to love, is this true?”Cal frowned.“Jedi are not supposed to feel attachment or possession because those feelings can lead to jealousy and fear of loss. So, in a way, no. Jedi are not supposed to love. We are encouraged to have compassion for people because we are protectors, but nothing more than that.”“You do not feel love, Cal Kestis?” Merrin asked softly.
Relationships: Cal Kestis/Merrin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 176





	Jedi Do Not Have Attachments

Cal had felt an overwhelming amount of pressure from the moment he crushed the Holocron containing the coveted list of force-sensitive children. Granted, he felt pressure before but at least he had a set path before. Eno Cordova had made his mission and purpose crystal clear. Now, he had a ship full of people counting on him to make the right choices and to tell them what was next. The truth was, he had no idea what was next. What was a half-trained Jedi padawan supposed to do with a crew of a gambler, ex-Jedi, and a Nightsister? He knew one thing for sure, he wasn’t done with the Empire. Or rather, the Empire wasn’t done with him. Just because Trilla was dead doesn’t mean they were going to stop hunting him down, especially since Cere exposed herself as a Jedi herself. The masked force-wielder who he had escaped from had shown an unsettling amount of interest in making Cere an inquisitor. Whatever they did, they needed to stay on the move.  
That’s why Cal had decided to keep fighting the Empire. Just because his initial mission was over didn’t mean the battle was over. If they’re going to keep pursuing him, he was going to keep pushing back. Cere had made contact with Saw Gerrera who was thrilled at the idea of Cal joining his band of resistance fighters. Saw wanted Cal to join him on his base in Wrea in the Outer Rim, but Cal had no intention of hiding out in the Outer Rim. The war wasn’t happening out there and there was no one for him to help on Wrea. He wasn’t going to go back into hiding. Instead, Cal made a deal saying that he would return to Kashyyk and help the resistance fighters there, but if Saw ever needed Cal’s skills in battle, he would be there.  
After they had decided on returning to Kashyyk, Cal realized that the Empire would practically be there waiting for him. He couldn’t stroll back onto Kashyyk and expect to go unnoticed. Despite how much it pained him to say, he had to lay low for at least a week. He needed the Empire to think he had fled. Besides, last time he was on Kashyyk he had drawn thousands of Empire troops to swarm the planet. He couldn’t be responsible for more lives lost there. He needed to go somewhere where no one would be looking for him.  
“Hey Greez,” Cal called to the cockpit.  
“Hey, what, kid,” the Latero responded.  
“Didn’t you mention that you were wanting to go back to Lateron sometime?” Cal asked.  
“Well… yeah. I may have,” Cal had sparked his attention, “Why’s that?”  
“We need somewhere to lay low for a while. I thought you could get your trip home while also hiding us in a place you’re familiar with.”  
“I suppose I do know that place well. I have connections. I could get us in unnoticed and hide the Mantis with a buddy.” Greez furrowed his brow and looked at Cal, “But that place is swarming with Empire. They’d be on you like flies.”  
“Wait.” Cere joined the conversation, “That might actually be genius. The Empire is expecting us to either go back to somewhere we’ve already been or flee to the Outer Rim. They’ll never expect us to go to an Empire-occupied system.” Cere chewed her cheek, weighing the odds, “We’ll be hiding in plain sight.”  
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Cal chimed.  
“Captain, set a course for Lateron,” Cere said.  
They had been on Lateron for a couple of hours now. Greez did exactly what he promised, slipped the Mantis down to the surface going completely unnoticed and then hiding in a friend’s dock. Despite Lateron being overrun with Stormtroopers and Imperial agents, there was a very strong band of Latero who fought back in an underground resistance. They helped each other in minor ways, such as helping people get on and off the planet. Almost from the moment they docked, Greez had run off the Mantis to reconnect with friends, family and to gamble. He promised to not get into any major trouble with gambling, but Cal kept his eyes open for more bounty hunters heading his way. Cere had chosen to walk the town every day and spy on the Empire. She had slipped into a few facilities and stole scrambling codes and information. She was doing good work for them.  
Cal and Merrin, on the other hand, had almost nothing to do and nowhere to go. Merrin drew too much attention to herself as a Nightsister so leaving the Mantis meant trouble for her. As for Cal, every Stormtrooper in the Galaxy knew his name and his face. If he walked off the Mantis there would be a new Inquisitor on him in a heartbeat. As long as he and Merrin stayed out of sight, everyone else would be safe. So, they were stuck with each other on the Mantis.  
“Cal Kestis,” Merrin said in her typical, nonchalant tone. Cal had just woken up and was stumbling into the kitchen to have a cup of coffee. Merrin looked like she had been awake for hours. He wasn’t actually sure if she slept. She had her own small room along with Cere and Greez but she was almost never in it.  
“Hi Merrin,” Cal yawned and touseled his bed head. He was dressed in what he fell asleep in, a baggy white t-shirt and sweatpants Cere had brought him from town. He turned on the coffee machine and sat down across from Merrin at the kitchen table.  
“Why do you want to return to the planet Kashyyk when your friend Saw says the war is already lost?”  
Cal blinked his eyes slowly. That was a big question for someone who had just woken up. “Well… I don’t think the war is over there. Saw thinks that just because the Empire has control of the major settlements, that means there is no hope for them. But there are still Wookies on Kashyyk who need our help.”  
Merrin cocked her head to the side and listened intently.  
“As long as there are people to fight for, there is still a war to fight. I don’t want the Wookies to be left behind. Kashyyk is their home and they need help defending it.”  
“You don’t want them all to be murdered like my Sister’s were?” Merrin cooed, somehow very calmly.  
“Uh,” Cal furrowed his eyebrows, “Yeah. I guess like that.”  
“That is noble of you Cal Kestis. You lost everything and that has only inspired you to fight for other people, so that they may not face the same loss.”  
“Oh,” Cal’s pale skin always made his emotions show on his face so transparently. His cheeks were probably a bright shade of pink, “Thanks, Merrin. I’m just trying to do what I think is right. What I think a Jedi should do.”  
“You let the Jedi Order guide your life so strongly yet there are no Jedi left to hold you accountable to this. I think your decisions are more guided by your own morality.”  
Cal got up and fetched his cup of coffee while thinking about what she was trying to say. There weren’t other Jedi to hold him accountable, no, but the Jedi way of life wasn’t just a list of rules to him. It’s who he was.  
“I was raised in the Jedi Order, always surrounded by other Jedi and their teachings. It’s not that I feel like I have to follow their way of life. But I feel like their teachings will lead me down the right path in life.”  
“I see.” Merrin purred, this was probably the most conversation he’s gotten from Merrin since they met. “I have more questions about the Jedi Order and their teachings.”  
“Sure, shoot.”  
“I have heard that Jedi are not allowed to love, is this true?”  
Cal frowned. Who told her this? This was actually a touchy topic for him as he always struggled with his own feelings of attachment to people in his life.  
“Jedi are not supposed to feel attachment or possession because those feelings can lead to jealousy and fear of loss. So, in a way, no. Jedi are not supposed to love. We are encouraged to have compassion for people because we are protectors, but nothing more than that.”  
“You do not feel love, Cal Kestis?” Merrin asked softly.  
Cal hesitated. There was an answer that a Jedi should give. A Jedi should say no. Jedi have total control over their emotions and feelings. But Cal never finished his training. Despite Cere’s knighting of him, he wasn’t a Jedi and he didn’t fully know how to control his feelings. His Master and he had only begun their training in understanding and controlling emotion when Order 66 happened. Cal never learned how to not love.  
“I’m not supposed to,” He took a long sip of his coffee. “But I have always felt deep connections to the people in my life. I had a friend back on Bracca, Prauf, he was my best friend. After my Master died, I didn’t really have anyone and Prauf took me under his wing. I would say I loved Prauf.”  
“I see.”  
“I think that makes me a pretty bad Jedi,” Cal sighed and slumped into his chair. He had let Prauf’s death affect his actions. He foolishly revealed himself to the Empire when Prauf was murdered. A Jedi wouldn’t have done that.  
“I am not a Jedi,” Merrin started, “I do not know much of anything about your Jedi Order. But, I do know what it takes to be a warrior. Mother always told us that being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Love isn’t a weakness, Cal Kestis.”  
Cal looked up at the Nightsister, sharing an important part of her life to him for the first time. “Thanks, Merrin.”  
“Do you want to know what I think about this whole Jedi Order thing?” Merrin waved her fingers in the air while she said ‘Jedi Order’.  
“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me either way,” Cal snickered.  
“I think that you are the last of the Jedi, so you get to make your own rules now.” Merrin pushed a piece of her gray hair behind her ear, “I’m one of the last Nighsisters, so I make my own rules too.”  
A few hours had passed since their conversation that morning. Cal tried to not beat himself up too much about their talk about love. He still felt the twinge in his chest when he thought about how he can’t stop loving the people in his life and how that made him a bad Jedi. Merrin saying that he could make his own rules was divisive. Part of him wanted to believe her and accept that, but another part of him felt his Master looking down upon him through the Force, telling him the Jedi way is the only way.  
Cal meditated on it for a while, asking Master Topal to speak to him and help him with his emotions. All he really needed was guidance. Was it really wrong to love? Or is he entering a new era of Jedi, an era with new rules. Master Topal had only come to him a few times, once in the train when he told him to trust only in the force. Trusting in the force got him this far, so his meditation concluded with continuing to only trust the force.  
After meditation Cal took a long shower and then shaved his face. He didn’t have much facial hair, but Prauf told him when he was around 16 that if he didn’t start shaving he was going to look like a bograt. He’s shaved every day since then. After getting dressed and putting on his favorite tan and white poncho, he woke BD-1 up on the workbench. The droid sprung to life and hopped around on the bench excitedly. Cal was letting BD-1 rest most of the day to let his parts rest. Going on that much of an adventure was tough on a little droid and his machinery had worn down.  
BD-1 clung onto his back and he walked back into the living room of the Mantis. BD-1 beeped out a greeting to Merrin but she didn’t react, she had no idea what he was saying.  
“BD-1 says hi,” Cal cooed before sitting down on the other side of the bench.  
“How do you know?” She furrowed her brows and stared at the droid, confusion written all over her face.  
“Cause he said so,” Cal laughed, BD-1 booped sadly.  
“I didn’t even know droid was a language,” Merrin sighed.  
“Yeah, don’t see much tech on Dathomir.”  
“No. None at all, really. We’ve always relied on the old way of doing things.”  
“Well, speaking droid gets pretty easy when you’re around them enough. It’s called binary. Most droids have their own sets of noises to show emotions too.”  
“That’s very confusing.”  
The two of them chatted for quite some time. Merrin was being especially talkative today. They had found several topics that they had in common. Merrin started talking about a Nightbrother who had left Dathomir to be the apprentice of a Sith. Cal immediately recognized that she was talking about Darth Maul. He had learned about him in his Jedi classes. The Jedi took learning their history very seriously, so younglings were often taught about current news as well. Merrin said he was a traitor for seeking power outside of the brotherhood. Cal couldn’t disagree, Darth Maul had struck down Master Qui Gon. Apparently there had been many other Nightbrothers and Sisters who left Dathomir to find great power elsewhere. They were all considered traitors to Merrin. Merrin required loyalty from people to give them respect, that was becoming clear.  
“Merrin,” Cal said softly. He had finally worked up the courage to ask about their conversation this morning. “Yes?”  
“You asked me this morning about love. Is there a reason why?”  
Merrin chewed her lip and looked at her hands that were folded in her lap. “Yes, there is a reason.”  
Cal’s heart puttered. She couldn’t love him, could she?  
“I have loved many in my life Cal Kestis. I have lost all of them, however. There was a time in my life that I ran from love. I rejected it, because that meant I couldn’t get hurt by it. I think that’s what your Jedi tried to do with their rules. If you reject love, you can’t get hurt from it.” She paused again, breathing deeply and looking over Cal’s face. He has a trustworthy face, she thought. “I learned from that dark time in my life that hiding from love is worse than losing someone you love. Running from love is… lonely. I do not wish to be lonely anymore, Cal.”  
Cal’s lips quivered. She was staring at him with such an intensity he had trouble breathing. Her gray eyes managed such emotion, such feeling. He had never had someone stare at him like this. He inched closer to her on the couch, unable to control his desire to be physically closer to her.  
“I don’t want to be lonely anymore either.”  
Merrin swung her legs over him with acrobatic ease. She sat down on his thighs and held his face in her hands. He could feel now that her heart was beating just as fast. Merrin didn’t seem like the type to be nervous, but she was, he could sense it. She ran her long fingernails into his red hair, running her thumbs across his cheekbones. Cal, unsure of himself and not confident in his actions, kept his hands pressed to the couch cushions. Merrin moved her hands from his face down to his neck, toying with the hair at the back of his neck.  
“You can touch me,” Merrin murmured.  
“W-What?” Cal stammered, his face blooming with redness. Merrin smiled and exhaled softly. She grabbed his hands and pressed them to her hips. She didn’t mean touch her, she just wanted his hands on her waist.  
Cal shut his eyes momentarily and tried to recenter himself, slowing down his heart and relaxing his muscles. Funny, he was using a Jedi trick to not get so flustered with a girl. That’s definitely not what the other Jedi used meditation for.  
He reopened his eyes and stared intently at Merrin, she was watching him. She didn’t ask but she definitely wanted to know what he was doing. He kept one hand against her back, running up and down her tunic slowly. The other hand moved up to her face, he tilted her head down slightly and smiled at her.  
“You’re beautiful,” He remarked. Merrin’s pale skin warmed and she shied away, tilting her face into the palm of his hand.  
“You think so?” She said quietly.  
“The most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”  
“You must have not seen many girls in your life,” Merrin said quickly, trying to dismiss his compliments. They overwhelmed her.  
“That’s not true,” Cal frowned, pressing her cheek so she looked back at him. “Well, there’s not many beautiful women on Bracca. Especially not any that are scrappers. But I do know beauty when I see it.”  
“You are very kind, Cal,” Now that Cal was showing her the affection she had been secretly dreaming of for days, she didn’t know what to do. She felt embarrassed, unsure. She wasn’t used to feeling like that.  
“You’re embarrassed, Merrin. Why? You said you had loved before, doesn’t that mean you’re used to showing emotion?” Cal ran his fingers over her arms, trying to make her more comfortable. The nervous energy was radiating off of her and almost getting worse.  
“No, not like this. I’ve loved my friends, my sisters, my mother. I’m not used to interactions like this.”  
“So you haven’t…” Cal didn’t even know how to bring up intimacy. It’s not like he had any experience. He was only an eighteen-year-old Jedi Padawan.  
“Had sex? I have,” Merrin said plainly. “There were Nightbrothers who I caught the interest of in the past. I was indifferent to them.”  
Cal winced. Indifferent? That doesn’t sound terribly intimate. Was Merrin just toying with him? What was she doing here?  
“I think I misspoke,” Merrin crossed her arms and leaned back, “I didn’t mean to make it sound like intimacy was something I didn’t care about.”  
Cal could see the wheels turning in her head. She was searching her mind for something to say to turn this situation back onto the right path. She was clumsy when sharing her feelings and emotions. She had good intentions but often tripped on her own words and said the wrongs things. Merrin had spent most of her life alone so having relationships was tricky for her.  
“I’m sorry,” Merrin sighed and moved to swing her legs off of Cal. She was just going to give up on the whole attempt at being close to Cal.  
“No,” Cal grabbed her hips and sat her back down. He pressed his hands into her lower back and smiled at the nervous, awkward girl, “It’s okay.” Merrin smiled uncertainly. “Look, Merrin. I know it takes a lot for you to open up like this. So… Thank you. This whole thing is scary to me too. I don’t really know what the right thing to do is. My Master would tell me that the desires of the flesh are wrong, and I shouldn’t give in to them. But something about you… it’s irresistible… and doesn’t feel wrong. I think I’ll just have to follow my gut to tell me what’s right.”  
“What is your gut telling you, Cal Kestis?”  
“To kiss you.”  
Cal’s first kiss was something beyond anything he could ever have imagined. He never thought he would kiss anyone, and to have his first be with someone who ignites his heart like she did… euphoric. He never expected to want someone the way he wanted her. He was a teenage boy, so desires loomed over his head from time to time, but not like this. Instead of feeling wrong or dirty for giving in, he felt elevated. Like the force had willed their connection. Merrin was… everything. Time stopped when he touched her.  
Cal wrapped her in his arms as tightly as he could. Closeness was all that he wanted. Closeness to her body, her heart. Merrin had her hands cupping his face, guiding him to her lips over and over again. Kissing her lips, biting them, frantic to never stop kissing her.  
Merrin moved her attention to his neck, attaching her lips and teeth to his pale skin while intentionally grinding her hips down onto the growing bulge under her. Cal let out the most unrefined grunt, he forgot how to breathe and let his head drop back. The mix of Merrin bruising the skin on his neck and methodically rubbing against his manhood was a sensation that didn’t come close to what he imagined. Cal’s body shook as moans escaped his throat. He pulled Merrin down harder onto his erection, trying to fulfill the need to have more of her.  
“Oh my god, Merrin…” He managed to say as her hips continued moving.  
Merrin didn’t say anything back, but she took his delight as an invitation to continue. She slid down his lap slightly, sitting on his knees so she could slip her hands down his chest and unbuckle his trousers. She flashed a devilish smile at him while Cal bit his bottom lip. His face had lost all composure. He was a bright, flustered shade of crimson. Merrin loved it.  
Merrin slipped his cock loose from his undergarments and held its length in her hand. She flicked his poncho away from her view and paused. Merrin cocked her head to the side and failed to hide her stare.  
“Huh…” Merrin said curiously. Cal sat up from his slouched posture and looked down at the appendage he was incredibly familiar with.  
“Is there something wrong?” Cal said frantically.  
“It looks… different.”  
“Than…?”  
“You wouldn’t find something like this on Dathomir.” Merrin said softly, “It’s much less aggressive looking. It’s… cute. I like it.”  
Cal furrowed his eyebrows and shifted awkwardly, “Cute?”  
Merrin bit her lip, “Yes.”  
Cal melted into the couch while Merrin stroked his cock. He felt transcendent, like he wasn’t even human anymore. It was like every part of his body was vibrating. He kept one hand gripping her waist but the other was running through his red hair, pulling on the ends slightly to remind himself this was real life. Admittedly, he had done this to himself a handful of times but it never felt like this. When he did it it felt dirty… wrong. This, with her, couldn’t feel more right.  
He had wanted her since the tomb, since she fought alongside him against Malicos, since she protected him. He spent days watching her on the Mantis. Watching her go about her day, watching her fix her hair in the shiny reflection of the walls. She was mesmerizing to him. Just the way she carried herself was beautiful. He would go to sleep and let his mind indulge itself, he would dream about the soft curve of her hips and the plumpness of her full lips. He could feel the sadness and longing that followed her, too. She longed for the ones she could never see again. He wanted to make her feel better, make her smile, make her feel good.  
“Stop,” Cal murmured, grabbing ahold of her wrist.  
“Do you not like it…” Merrin questioned.  
“No, no I love it.”  
“Then, why?”  
Cal kissed her, bringing her tongue into his mouth and wrapping his around hers. Merrin moaned into his mouth and put her hands on his shoulders. Cal wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up as he stood. She easily swung her legs around his waist, letting him carry her to the back of the Mantis.  
He hovered over her on his cramped bed and snuck his hands under her tunic, pushing it up over her head. With her help, he took her leggings off too, revealing surprisingly erotic black underwear.  
“You too,” Merrin demanded, eyeing his poncho.  
Merrin waited with her knees pulled up to her chest as Cal undressed. He did it thoughtfully, folding and putting them in a neat pile as he went. Cal wasn’t in a hurry.  
His eyes raked over her gray skin, it was sprinkled with meaningful tattoos but no scars or wounds. She was skilled in combat but it looked like nothing had ever touched her. Her build was thin but her breasts and hips were supple. Beautiful, he thought again.  
Cal took much less refined. His skin was ghostly pale from always been covered and it was littered with scars from scrapping and bruises from the last several weeks. He was incredibly strong and had the muscles flexing under his movement to prove it.  
Merrin stretched her hand out for Cal to join her. He took it and sat beside her, scooping his arm under her to sit her between his legs. She was exposed like this, helpless… but safe. She placed her hand on his face, adoring his features and soft smile.  
“I want you,” Cal whispered, pushing hair out of her face.  
“I want you, too.” Merrin leaned back, putting her head on his pillow. Cal followed, putting himself between her legs.  
“I don’t really know how to do this,” Cal admitted, afraid to even remove her underwear.  
“I think you will figure it out,” Merrin smiled, “I trust you.”  
Cal pulled her underwear down her legs, kissing her thigh and calf as they slid off. He saw goosebumps rise on her skin as he did so. Cal felt his cock somehow get harder when he looked between her legs. Her womanhood when even cuter than he thought it would be. He licked his lips. He wanted to lick her.  
“Is there something wrong with…” Merrin choked on her words when Cal licked slowly up her slit.  
She put both her hands into his hair, grabbing on it and gasping. Cal grabbed her thighs and pulled her closer, tasting her over and over again. He wanted to spend eternity between her thighs making her scream like she was. He slipped a finger inside her making her buck her hips into his face.  
“Cal!” Merrin gasped, letting out soft cries as he pumped his finger in and out of her.  
Cal couldn’t wait any longer. His cock throbbed every time it brushed against her skin. He needed to be inside her.  
Cal pulled away and wiped off her sweetness from his mouth with the back of his hand. Merrin frowned playfully, but her face curled into a smile when she saw Cal line himself up with her entrance. Cal put his hand on the back of her back, the other cupping her thigh. Merrin nodded encouragingly, desperate to feel him.  
Every moment from when Merrin crawled onto his lap has felt like the most pleasure possible… but this was the best. Merrin erupted into sounds of pleasure and eroticism as Cal methodically moved in and out of her, grunting as he did. Merrin gripped the sheets to keep herself from absolutely screaming out in pleasure. Cal watched her writhe in euphoria while feeling it himself.  
Sweat dripped between his pec’s as he pounded into her. His thrusts had gotten sloppy and rough, he could feel his climax twisting in his stomach. Merrin had already gasped out that she had come… twice. Cal needed to kiss her again before letting his climax overtake him. Without thinking, he used the force to pull her up off the pillow. He crashed his lips into hers and slipped himself out of her just in time to sputter come between the two of them.  
…  
After sufficiently cleaning himself, Merrin and his sheets off of come, he laid down and Merrin followed, resting her head on his chest. He breathed deeply and slowly, letting his heart rate fall back down. Merrin traced every scar on his chest with her fingernail, admiring his damaged skin.  
“Cal,” Merrin murmured.  
“Hm?”  
“I would not like it if this was a one-time occurrence,” Merrin frowned, awaiting his response. Cal laughed and she looked up at him.  
“I wouldn’t like that either.”  
“So we are going to do this again sometime?”  
“Yeah… yeah,” He hummed and hugged her tighter. 

Maybe Merrin is right, Cal thought, maybe love isn’t such a bad thing.


End file.
